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Post by Marnie on Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:58 pm

Forgiving the One Who Deserves Forgiveness

This article, from a blog about malignant narcissism is so important and must read for everyone.

Soooo many
supposed trauma counselors tell cyberpathy victims to "forgive the
cyberpath." How invalidating! That's just more abuse, frankly.

The other
piece of stupid advice from clueless therapists is to treat the online
relationship with a cyberpath like any real-life affair. They tell you
to "immediately cut them off." Whoops!! Who does that help? NOT YOU!!
Nope. Because you need some explanation, closure and at the very least
- VALIDATION (since it is rare to ever get the first two).
This makes it far far too easy for the cyberpath to

block you, smear you, avoid you, delete you from their contacts - just

go on their merry way. Because you were just words on a screen.

"Forgive and forget" - NOT the cyberpath, but
yourself. You can't be friends - but you deserve to be told the truth.
(be CAREFUL you don't get reeled in again!!) You deserve the cyberpath
to admit whatever the payoff was for them - no matter how sick.

And to admit what they did without blaming you or saying you were part of the problem. It was them. ALL THEM.

Truth time for predators!

(but don't hold your breath that you will EVER get it - however you do DESERVE it)

You did NOTHING wrong. NOTHING. No matter what your counselors, friends, families, clergy, the predator themselves or society says?

You are not a stalker.

You were not stupid or naive.

It did not "Take Two to Tango."

You did not "know what you were getting into"

You did not you go in "with [your] eyes wide open." That's baloney.

Obsession with getting justice and validation for yourself isn't revenge - its self-preservation.

You didn't "ask for it" and you can't and shouldn't just "forget it
and get over it. " You are not NOTHING - your feelings are not NOTHING.

This isn't the check-out at the grocery. This is your MIND, your HEART & your SOUL that's been raped!

That other stuff is bull that people tell themselves because the
truth is too scary. Pathologicals seem like everyone else. Cyberpaths
are not easy to spot. Anyone, we repeat - ANYONE is a potential victim.

Your mind was folded & spindled by a master.

Move on with
your life, but never stop feeling that you deserve an explanation -
even when it doesn't come. You can't forgive the unforgiveable. The ONLY one who needs forgiveness is you.

Not them. - Fighter


The most important thing to keep in mind is that your relationship with yourself is the most important relationship you have.

The same things can damage it that damage your other human relations. The deal-breaker is BETRAYAL.

Have you ever
felt betrayed? If so, then you know that it is the blackest feeling a
human being can have. It is devastating. It is what makes people want
to just turn their face to the wall and die.
Because it shows you what you and your suffering mean (are worth) to your betrayer = nothing.
Betrayal severs any human relationship. It puts the betrayed through Hell.

Just think what this means in terms of your relationship with
yourself. If you betray yourself to abuse, that betrayal severs your
relationship with yourself.

How can this be? Easily. We are composite beings. We are a
combination of true inner self and ego. The ego views us as others do.
It's that little voice in the head that takes the viewpoint of
bystanders and berates you IN THE SECOND PERSON, by saying such things
as, "Why can't you hit a stupid backhand in? You are pathetic! Here you
are, choking again in a big match!"

That's you (if you're a tennis player having a bad tennis day)
talking to you. But why aren't you saying, "Why can't I hit a stupid
backhand in? I am pathetic! Here I am, choking again in a big match!"

Answer: You address yourself as "you" instead of "I" to distance
yourself from yourself. Because you don't like yourself at the moment
and are disowning yourself, relating to yourself as though talking to a
different person.

See what's happening to your relationship with yourself? You're not on your side, are you?

This happens to everyone, and it should serve as a strong warning of how easily our composite personality can breakdown, split.

Don't go there. Never, never, never betray yourself to bad treatment. You sin against yourself when you do, and the act WILL destroy your relationship with yourself.

Unfortunately, if you are the victim of a narcissist, it is safe to say that you have already done so.

THIS is what threatens the victim's mental health. You have allowed
yourself to be abused. You see that for what it is - bending over for
it, laying down for it. No matter how blessed people say that is, you
know it's not. You know it is abject. You are profoundly ashamed of
doing that.

You hate yourself for it, no
matter how hard you work to repress awareness of that to live in denial
of it. So, you have committed an offense against yourself (your human
dignity). You can never be friends with yourself until you make peace
with yourself.

Repair that relationship with yourself. The fruit of forgiveness is reconciliation (ask any theologian).

1. Admit that you have allowed the narcissist to abuse you.

2. Admit that it was wrong to do so, though be fair with yourself and consider the reasons why you were driven to do so.

3. Be sorry that you betrayed yourself to abuse.

4. Make whatever amends are possible and appropriate.

5. Most important - repent = promise to never betray yourself again.

You may recognize those as the 5 formal steps of repentance. They make you forgivable. They allow reconciliation to take place.

Indeed, how
can you be reconciled with any offender who doesn't at least stop
offending and give you some assurance that he won't keep right on doing
it? It is absurd to to think that you can.

And just because it's 3AM and he is sound asleep, unable to offend
at the moment, doesn't mean that a state of war doesn't presently exist
bewteen you. What he did yesterday counts. What he has always done and
never promised to stop doing COUNTS.

"Forgive and forget" is a line penned in Hell, not Heaven.

It is absurd to think you can have any but a hostile relationship
with someone offending you in any way, especially when they have
refused to stop it.

Hey, if the offender stops doing it, you can be friends again. But ONLY if he stops doing it. You
don't have to be friendly to people attacking you or stealing from you
in any way. It's called the human right to self-preservation,
self-defense. It's a Law of Nature. The very idea that
you should like and be nice to someone doing things hostile to you is
bizarre and absurd.

To the contrary: You build walls between yourself and people like that.
answer their attacks to make their attacks cost them dearly, so as to
deter future aggression that you might live in peace instead of under
constant attack by them. This is just common sense.
it holds just as true in your relationship with yourself as in your
relationship with others. Simply say, "I betrayed myself to abuse in
the past, but I will never do so again, so I am no longer a doormat to
be ashamed of."

Be on your side.

Take those 5 steps to repair your relationship with yourself -
especially the last one in which you establish a firm purpose of
amendment to never betray yourself to abuse again.

Now you are forgivable. So, forgive yourself. Embrace yourself.

YOU are the one who deserves and needs your forgiveness.

And chances are that you are the only one who deserves and wants it.

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